My symptoms Of Borderline Personality / Bipolar disorder in India




Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder
With the onset of My Mental illness it affected my control over my body



1        This disease is very gradual, it start at around the age of 18, it doesn't feel like a disease in the initial stages, both my parents & I thought that might be just I am unhappy about some events in my life, I use to feel that I am feeling depressed b’coz I didn’t get the same amount of marks as much I have expected in my college, might be I am feeling depressed b’coz my parent told me so & so in the childhood & since I am not in Good talking relation with them I can’t tolerate them & that’s why I am feeling depressed and anger, this disorder changes it form after I confessed out that I want to talk to my parents, but confession was not easy, I tried hard not to confess and be strong, the more I tried to be strong by holding my emotions the more weaker I became.

2        Only after some years of diagnosis and treatment I realise that this disorder was always with     as I always use to feel anxious in front of people but it was not out of control, I use to think that might be I didn’t get the right exposure in the child hood that’s why I feel anxiety.

3        I use to feel depressed most of the time when I was about 18, I started to get angry on small issues which earlier I use to ignore, I also use to feel anxious but I never realised that it's a mental illness, in fact I use to think that my mind is playing games with me & with little effort I can control it, or there might be some issues with my astro signs, but after confession I use to have frequent attacks of tremendous depression, as well as tremendous anger by remembering my past, my past experiences use to haunt me up, it use to last for few hours or a day and becomes very frequent if not treated, attacks can come once everyday.I use to feel as if my heart is shrinking and its going to implode, my hands use to become cold, I was not able to lead a normal life if I don’t take medicine for more than 2 to 3 days. For each patient intensity of disorder is different. My disorder started in around 2002.


4        Intensity of response to every emotion will be high, i.e if a thought  suppose generates depression of level 1 in a person, in my case it will be  around 1000 to 10000 times of  normal  if I am not on medication, similar thing will happen in anger, fear, boredom, anxiety, suspicious as well as excitement.

5        Problems controlling anger, severe dissociative symptoms, depression if not treated use to be so high that  I feel my heart  is shrinking, I could feel that I am different from my body & mind as I was not in control of myself, not for 1 day but for a period of almost a year, till the meds starts to work,.Use to feel anxiety when use to go to college or use to be in front of society.

6        Don’t use to feel anxiety in front of my Parents and my sister, but anger as well as depression attacks were regular even in front of them.

7        My  mental illness also affected my control over my body, my writing deteriorated significantly with the onset of disorder , I was unable to put pressure over the tip of pen with the help of tip of my fingers, but it didn't happened in a day, it was  a gradual process, I was not able to write  for a period of more than 8 years till I used the ayurvedic Medicine, . This complete page in the above pic I wrote with my normal grip to record that how I was unable to write.

8        If you observe closely for mental illnesses we are given medicine for epilepsy such as Valproate & Lamotrigine,  I don't know exactly how but there is some definite link, by taking an ayurvedic medicine Smritisagar ras it improved but the ayurvedic drug alone was not sufficient, I had to take lithium along with it.

9        My sporting abilities also deteriorated, my hand eye coordination in batting & bowling in Cricket as well in TT deteriorated.

10    My concentration in reading was affected significantly; I started taking more than a day to remember a para of 4 lines.